STOPPING THE GREEN LIGHT

If there's one guy in my life I would like to meet, it would be the genius who has greenlit the movies over the last year or so. On paper, these ideas are absolutely, positively, undoubtedly, (and a host of other adverbs) the dumbest ideas in pop culture entertainment. Perhaps, when the movie comes out, we will be viewing the next Godfather, or at least, the next Batman Forever (a bottom of the barrel movie that at least gives you a few smiles). But for now, they seem like cruel jokes about to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace.

Monopoly - I have been discussing this movie quite frequently in my comedy sets. The main problem is that this movie is being produced, and possibly, directed by Ridley Scott. Now, this isn't some up and coming hotshot director named Ridley Scott. No, I'm referring to the director of Blade Runner, Gladiator, Thelma and Louise, Alien, etc. This man has a resume that screams "Don't make a live action adaptation of the board game Monopoly." But alas, Ridley has chosen not to listen to his old pal, his resume. So, the question is: How do you make such a film? The only solution to stay true to the game itself is have a movie that is over 8 hours long and doesn't necessarily end, just has the actors getting bored and deciding to quit.

And, of course, we need the gritty Ridley Scott style prison sequence:

Inmate 1: What are you in for?

Inmate 2: Rape, murder. What about you?

Inmate 1: They busted me for rolling doubles three times in a row. It's all bullshit, though, it's because I'm a thimble. My lawyer says I can get out for fifty bucks, but fuck that. Rolling doubles got me in here, rolling doubles gonna bust me out.

The thing here is that no one learned from the uber-failure that was Clue. (Do you remember Clue? 1986? Three different endings? Only funny if you are either high or had parts of your brain removed for medical purposes?) We should be learning from the past, and the guy who greenlit this film obviously only goes back as far as 1987 (reason why we haven't had a Loverboy remake). But I wonder if he's the guy who greenlit:

Clue - Yes, they have decided to remake Clue. Well, it's not really a remake, or a reimagining or a reboot or any other creative way to use the prefix re. Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean, The Ring) has signed on to bring a live action adaptation of the board game Clue, and never once mentions the 1986 film. And the plan is to have the film be about detectives involved in a world wide mystery which is NOTHING LIKE THE GAME OF CLUE. I don't think Gore has ever played the game before. He's heard of the game Clue and just assumed that this is what it was about. Ridley's doing the same thing by the way, as Monopoly is going to be about the current recession. Next, we'll get a movie based on Risk about investing in real estate or a movie about people who try to figure out what kind of Asian you really are called Chinese Checkers.

Total Recall - Remakes are nothing new. Easier to come up with an old idea rather than a new one. But is it necessary to remake films that are not really that old? The producers have stated that they are remaking this film because the technology is so much better now. I told several people about this remake and not a single person asked me if the visual effects are going to be better. They all asked, "Will the chick with three boobs be in it?" Thus, the only reason to get this movie remade would be if the Three Tit Technology has improved (It hasn't).

Asteroids - I applaud the guy who put this out there, because it created a four way bidding war which Universal ultimately won (though I wouldn't really call it a win). You remember Asteroids? It was the game in the arcade in the 80's that didn't have mobs of people surrounding because it was the dullest game to watch someone play. It started with a ship in the middle of the asteroid field that has to blast away all the asteroids so that the ship can end up in the middle of another asteroid field. The only suspense occurred when someone accidentally hits the thrust button causing the ship to spin out of control (since there wasn't a stop button) until you reached the edge of the asteroid field leading you to the other side of the asteroid field. With these scenarios, the only possible dialogue in the script would be:

Crew: (in unison) Oh, shit!

Hollywood, it's time to fire this green light guy and find someone who is more tuned into original, fun storytelling. Someone should promote the guy who approved of The Hangover being made. Also, whoever green lights those Pixar movies should be given a position in Obama's cabinet (The Secretary of Not Sucking?).

Of course, we can't blame the green light guy. We go see the movies because we get all jolted by the hype machine. And we are eagerly awaiting plans for Tim Burton's Dig Dug starring Johnny Depp in overalls and using a bicycle pump to blow up a dragon played by Helena Bonham Carter.